Ringtones Make the Man

So, I was in a public place last week, and someone's phone went off. The dude had "Ice Ice Baby" as his ringtone. Weird guy. That's what got me thinking... You know what attribute we don't use to its maximum capacity? Cell phone ringtones!

Some people put in a lot of effort in trying to read others by attempting to study their backgrounds, tendencies, experiences, habits, etc. By this, they can venture an educated guess into the psyche and nature of individuals. You may have heard of them. They're called Psychologists.

But, I'm convinced: You can tell a lot about a person simply by hearing their phone ring. Just think about it. Would you ever use the Austin Powers theme song as your ringtone if you did not like Mike Myers or stupid comedy? Probably not. Same goes for men using Backstreet Boys songs... I hope. [We'll come back to this]

Anyway, I pitched this idea to some PhD profs and received some funding to look into this newly emerging area of Psychology. Just my luck, they even provided 50 co-op students to help in my "research." Following intense studies, we discovered that humans can pretty much be grouped into completely different species, depending on their ringtones. Here's a summary of our thesis findings, grouped by species and types of ringtones:

Scientific Name: Leev mialown
Ringtone Type: The basic "ring ring" - already pre-stored and usually the default setting
Description: These users wish to use the phone strictly for functional purposes. They are often embarrassed when their phones go off in public places, and wish to remain as low-key as possible. Often, these are either conservative adults who offer stern tsk tsk's to extravagant personalities, or people who think that ringtones are quirky interests that kids have, and something that they have grown up
Possible users: Dr. Phil, Frasier Crane, your mom

Scientific Name: Allgro nup
Ringtone Type: Non-basic, but pre-programmed ringtones (like Funkadellic and Low Down Disco)
Description: This crowd is also interested in the living the basic life, but want to shy away from the boring category. Since being a part of the Leev Mialown species seems mundane to them, they would like to enhance their lives and add some more pizzazz, but want to stop short of drawing unnecessary attention or acting as though they are desperate to be groovy. They are not. They simply want to go on with their day-to-day activities in stealth mode, but also want to be slightly individualistic rather than just a face in the crowd.
Possible users: Tom Hanks, Colin Firth, that mid-20s buddy who's a mama's boy

Scientific Name: Amst illkewl
Ringtone Type: Enhanced pre-stored polyphonic ringtones
Description: This species likes that advancement that technology has taken, and is interested in keeping up with the latest toys -- to a certain extent. While being on the absolute cutting edge of life is not something they are eager to experience (they would be downloading or programming their own, if they were), they do not want to be perceived as being left behind either. For this user group, the novelty of being conservatively up-to-date is as important as being seen as hip, and polyphonic ringtones accomplishes both.
Possible users: Demi Moore, Tom Cruise, that 40-yr old man who just got his ears pierced

Scientific Name: C. Tooda izool
Ringtone Type: Downloaded current top-40 song, updated weekly
Description: This species is very interested in being the cool kid. If you don't know the song on the phone, you're not deserving of being a part of the "in" crowd. They often also take every opportunity to emphasize that they were aware of fashions, songs and fads long before it became a current trend. A word of warning: Don't be fooled by their low-hanging jeans. Contrary to popular beliefs, they do have hips. They just don't like using them to hold up their pants.
Possible users: Nick Cannon, Li'l Bow wow, that kid wearing a touque in August and walking with a limp.

Scientific Name: Aiy-yamhoo aiyyam
Ringtone Type: Downloaded classic song, or TV theme-song
Description: This group has many similarities with the Allgro Nup species. This group of users is also comfortable in their being, but is interested in making the ringtone a representation of their personality. They are aware of the risks that come with using dated songs, yet are willing to take these risks if they can identify with the song. Similarly, in life, they are willing to show others who they are, and are comfortable with themselves without seeking the necessary approval from outsiders. [Theory does not apply to men using Backstreet Boys songs as their ringtones. Dudes, this is not the way to show that you're comfortable]
Possible users: Tom Brady, Jack Black, that quiet guy who keeps to himself and leaves you wondering whether he's the next great author or the next Unabomber

And, there you have it. Now, with our research and findings, you too can judge people in a hasty manner based on non-conclusive traits, rather than giving them a fair chance. Hey, it beats wasting countless hours getting to know someone before disliking them. You're welcome.

[Oh, and before I forget: That weirdo using Vanilla Ice's song as his ringtone? He also happened to be wearing a Montreal Canadiens hat. Coincidence? I think not.]

Until next time, Saif's out!